My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
