She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize