Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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