You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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