i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
