Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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