So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
