gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
