Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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