I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
