He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
