Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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