I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
