Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
