Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Randomize
