I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
