I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Let's paint friendship bongs
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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