also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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