awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
