Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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