I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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