The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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