I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
