Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
