You're so nebulous sometimes
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
