My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
