I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
