i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
there is glitter all over my balls
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