I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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