I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
