we're chasing vodka with high fives
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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