so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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