Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
