I accidentally had phone sex last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
