So drunk its hurt
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
