it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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