i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
