Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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