I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
