it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
