First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
