Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
