I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
