he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
