she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
