I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We named our party play list daddy issues
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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