somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
