She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
