i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
