..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
literally had 100 drinks last night.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
