My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize