at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
