it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
