so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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