After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
