So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize