Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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