More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
