Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
