You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
