I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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