Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I party with great urgency now.
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